How to Deal With a Friendship Breakup → Tips for Coping with the Loss of a Friendship
A friendship breakup can be very challenging and can bring up a lot of mixed emotions. Part of you might feel hurt and sad, while another part of you might feel some relief when a friendship ends. Part of you might feel confused about why you’re feeling so much. You might find yourself asking - how are we supposed to deal with friendship breakups?
Breakups of romantic relationships are portrayed everywhere in the media. It’s expected that we would need time to grieve and process the ending of a romantic relationship. However, we rarely see examples of what it’s like to struggle with a friendship breakup. And yet, most of us have experienced the loss of a friendship at some point in our lives. In all relationships - whether it is with a friend, romantic partner, or a family member, we form attachments. When there’s a rupture in any attachment, we often feel confused, anxious, and hurt. You can learn more about attachment styles here.
Reasons why friendships end
There are many possible reasons friendships might end, and here are a few common ones.
We lose friends due to lack of communication
Lack of communication is one of the most common reasons for a friend breakup. For example, your friend may have done or said something that was hurtful to you. In order to preserve the friendship, maybe you let those comments slide. But your friend had no idea their comments were bothering you, so they kept doing it. Your resentment starts to build, and you notice you want to see them less and less. You regularly cancel plans the two of you make, and you gradually stop responding to their texts. The friendship ultimately fizzles out. When these type of scenarios happen over and over again over time, they often lead to the loss of a friendship.
Friends break up due to long distance
It’s very hard to maintain a long distance friendship, especially depending on the context of your friendship. For example, say you met a friend at your local climbing gym. You become climbing buddies, and you enjoy the time you spend together. If they move away, your shared activity is no longer available. Sure, you can FaceTime with them or even plan a climbing trip together. But it’s understandable that without that shared activity on a regular basis, it’s harder to stay connected. Your friendship doesn’t make it and you start to drift apart.
Friendships end when we grow apart
Growing apart in friendships is common, especially with friends we’ve had since childhood. It’s also normal to grow apart from friends you made during a specific time period, like high school, college, or even a work environment. For example, you bonded with your college buddies over beer and trivia nights. Now you’re more focused on your career and have decided that drinking isn’t supportive of your mental health. If your friends aren’t willing to connect with you in a different environment, this could lead to a friend breakup. This can happen with coworkers when one of you moves on to a different job. Maybe you connected over complaining about your lousy boss or your other co-worker’s smelly lunch. But once one of you is removed from the work drama, it’s hard to keep the friendship alive.
Life transitions cause friends to go separate ways
Maybe you recently got married or become a parent, and your friend is still focused on the dating scene. Or maybe you’ve been focusing on recovering from your eating disorder, and you’re noticing major shifts in your mental health. If you and your friend used to bond over dieting, you might not feel as connected once you stop engaging in that behavior. Sometimes we change at different speeds than our friends, and this can cause a friendship to end.
Tips for how to deal with friendship ending
Acknowledge your grief
Ending a friendship is a loss. No matter how intimate the relationship, you have lost something that was once important to you. Make space to be sad, angry, anxious, frustrated, or however you are feeling. Notice all the different parts that come up when you think about losing your friend. One part of you might be feeling lonely without your pal. Another part of you might be feeling angry at them for not calling you enough. Remember that whatever you are feeling is valid.
Write a letter to your friend (p.s. you don’t have to send it)
When friendships end, there is often unfinished business. Take some time to journal about this experience in the form of a letter. Get out everything you wish you could say to your ex friend, and try not to hold back. Vent about the frustrations. Reminisce about the good times. Reflect on how you met and where both of you are now. Know that the point is not to send them the letter, but to get out all the thoughts and feelings that are inside you. If it feels right, you can read your letter aloud to yourself or a trusted friend or partner.
Reflect on your role - and maybe take action
It’s possible that your friend did or said something really hurtful, which caused the friendship to end abruptly. In this case, there is probably no action to take, and cut off may be appropriate. But in most cases, neither party is completely innocent. Reflect on your experience. If you are the one ending the friendship, reflect on why. Was it a one sided relationship? Did your friend never make space for your emotions? Were you frustrated by their flakiness? Especially if you struggle with people pleasing or setting boundaries, take note of any missed opportunities to state your needs. Consider if you need closure and what that might look like for you.
Talk with a therapist
It is ok to need support around a friendship breakup. It’s very normal to see a therapist when you break up with a romantic partner. Why should a friendship breakup be any different? Both types of breakups feel pretty much the same in our bodies. Talking with a therapist can provide an objective perspective. A therapist can help you see patterns you might not be aware of. You can process what went wrong. You can discuss desires and intentions for future friendships.
For many of us, friendships are equally as important as romantic relationships. Friendships are an important aspect of a well rounded life. The loss of a friendship is just as significant as losing a romantic partner. Give yourself the time and space to reflect on your experience and grieve your loss. Consider setting an intention for how you would like to show up in future friendship relationships.
Did this help?
I hope these tips for how to deal with a friendship breakup were helpful! If you’re struggling with the loss of a friendship, I can help. Head over to my contact page to set up a free consultation.